Past post

Just chanced upon this very old post that was never published until now. So here goes.

It must have been the tiredness or the excitement of the day.

Somehow I started recollecting while doing up the duty security roster for PLAYMAX.

It's been great getting to know so many new faces and places the past few days and weeks really.

But how many of them actually last. How many become permanent features of your life. So much breadth. So little depth.

I just can't remember when was the last time I had a nice conversation that didn't involved work or networking or just pure gossip, pure bantering or having to be hurt (even with good intention).

I don't even know who I can turn to these days. The pool is shrinking and shrinking. People whom I once thought I could look to for example and advice have disappointed in one way or another.

There are people, godly counsel, friends, loved ones around. For some, you'd never know what they think even if you'd poured your heart out to them. Because they never say much. For others, you know the kind of responses they'll give. Sometimes they tell you what you need to hear - the cold, hard truth. But sometimes, that's not what you really need to hear at the moment. Sometimes, all you need is a listening ear, or ears for that matter. Not someone to give feedback, but someone to listen, to understand, to empathise, to feel. You wouldn't want to depend on only one or two people, especially if you're very emotionally dependent. Or maybe I can try being less dependent in a way.

How far do I go, who do I trust more and by how much? I swing to the extremes too much. It's either completely closed up or wide opened. And I just won't learn the lessons of opening yourself up too much and getting hurt over and over again. On one hand, I'm terribly afraid of being disappointed yet again, but as long as there's that chance of finding your soulmate, of someone who can do the things mentioned above, I guess I'll take that risk. I guess it's also the issue of commitment on my part, because once it's said, I'd go all the way to fulfill it. Can be rigid and costly at times, but a promise is a promise.

I guess I'm not your typical twenty two year old. I don't subscribe to what normal twenty two year olds subscribe to, especially what most guys are into these days. Just compare Facebook photos. To know a bit of everything isn't going to get you far. Sports, cars, entertainment, knowledge. I mean, who's interested in politics anyway. I've started out late in a lot of areas and there's a lot of catching up to do. I'm still trying to diversify but that's a slow and somewhat painful process to realise that maybe you're just not cut out for certain areas. More feelings of inadequacy here. Who'd be keen on such a friendship or relationship for that matter? They'll go like, "what a strange boy."

Everyone has their own group or groups to fall back on. I don't seem to have a solid one. Always floating between groups to see whoever wants me for now. Brings me back to the question of to whom do I really trust and to what extent am I going to open myself up. I've always had this fear that this whole opening up thing would be just one-way and other parties wouldn't reciprocate. Maybe that's a reason.

Always mixing, but never integrating. A bit of everything, but part of nothing. So much breadth. So little depth.

That basically sums up everything.

I'm glad some things have changed for the better. =)

But then again, how truthful can blog posts be when they've been carefully thought over and perhaps even skillfully scripted to suit certain agendas and biases right. Hoho.